Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009) Review

This movie is not very good. I’m going to put this lightly… people that like this movie shouldn’t be allowed to have children. That seems fair.

A lot of people seem to like the movie. They’re wrong, but I guess I can understand why people like it; there’s a lot of shiny stuff blowing up. Let’s be honest though; you can get more than that on an episode of Mythbusters and it doesn’t take almost 3 hours.

Mythbusters
Science!

Before I go into specifics, let’s look at some overall problems. First, there is no plot. I mean really, there is no plot. Things happen that make no sense, characters will enter or leave scenes for no reason, and no one seems to have any motivation whatsoever. Second, the action, for all of its shininess and explosiveness, is too chaotic to enjoy. If anyone tells me they could actually tell what was happening during the action scenes, they are lying. (Their pants may or may not be on fire)

In good movies, you actually care what happens to the characters. This doesn’t happen in Transformers because no one in the movie shows any personality whatsoever. Most of the characters that die don’t even have names! How am I supposed to be excited or scared for their fates?

And don’t give me the explanation “It’s based on a toy! It’s for kids!” Anyone who says this is an idiot. That’s because this movie is not for kids. I absolutely would not take any kids with me to see it! Absolutely not!

And here’s where I get into the details of why it sucks and why I wouldn’t take kids to it:
Keep in mind that all of this actually happens in the movie:
Two (2) scenes of dogs humping
Two (2) scenes of robots humping humans
A close up shot of John Tuturro wearing a jock strap (both sides)
A robot farting
Robots throwing up
Robot testicles
A lot of robot swearing
Sam’s mom high on weed, telling Sam’s new classmates about how she overheard him losing his virginity
The racism

Oh the racism. Granted, I’m not the most PC person in the world…

mel gibson
But I’m better than some

I am against censorship and I understand that humor can help us overcome stereotypes. However, this only works if it’s handled correctly. In this movie it’s just offensive.

There are two robots that actually have more screen time than any other Transformer. They speak in urban slang, have exaggerated features (like big ears and a gold tooth), and make a point about not being able to read. Really? Really??? When asked about the characters, director Michael Bay said they were for the kids. The two minstrel show robots who call a human a pussy and say things like “I’ma pop a cap in his bitch ass” are for the kids!?!? WTF?

Not to mention the things that just don’t make sense. SPOILER Optimus dies early in the movie. So Sam wants to revive him. He happens to have a piece of the AllSpark that can revive robots (Another plot hole. Touching the AllSpark killed Megatron in the first movie. In the 2nd movie, touching a piece of it brings him back to life!) Instead of using the piece of AllSpark to revive Optimus, he revives a different robot to ask him how to revive Optimus! WHY? Oh, and the revived robot has a beard and a cane! Because he’s old! He even says “I’m too old for this”

old person
Comedy!

The other problem is Bumblebee, and not just because he disappears for 30 minutes at a time with no explanation. Basically, he’s Billy Bob from Slingblade (or Lenny from Of Mice and Men). He can’t talk (no explanation), he cries, he basically acts like he has the mental capacity of a 10 year old… oh, and he brutally murders Decepticons. And none of the “They’re robots so it’s okay” crap. The movie shows a Transformer being born, shows Transformers crying and being sad, and makes a point that they are alive. And then Bumblebee pulls out a Decepticon’s spine!

There is a ton of violence. Besides the violence against humans (a human is implied to be cut in half, another gets stepped on, a ton get blown up, and Shia has a transformer go into his brain), the violence against other robots is… over the top. Two robots have their faces ripped off, one gets cut in half, one is tortured by a human with a blow torch, etc… But it’s a kids movie! Wait, it’s not? Then why is it so stupid!?

checkmate
Checkmate

Other stupid things that happen:
Shia dies and goes to robot heaven
The President orders the Autobots to leave the planet! And they actually consider it! Why wouldn’t they just go to a different country?

canada
Visit scenic Canada

Transformers can now teleport!
There’s a scene about a black man with bad teeth that’s working at a deli so he can afford a dentist. (Why?)
Oh, and apparently the government covered up the events of the first movie. You know, the battle through the MIDDLE OF LA THAT KILLED HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE AND FEATURED 60 FOOT ROBOTS AND THE US ARMY!

battle
It’s… umm… a weather balloon?

Another thing: The primary “drama” in the beginning of the movie stems from Sam leaving home to go to college, and him telling Bumblebee that he has to stay at home. The kid with a kick-ass transforming Camaro doesn’t want to take it to college with him? Let’s concede that maybe he couldn’t get parking at that college. Then attend a school closer to home! Who knows… maybe he just wanted to get away from that damn Megan Fox.

Megan Fox
Disgusting

Final verdict: This movie sucks. It sucks hard.

Megan Fox
That’s what she said
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3 Responses to Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009) Review

  1. Erin M. says:

    Holy God, does everything in this review really happen in the movie? Why does my mom keep trying to convince me to see it?

    • Dan says:

      Maybe it’s because we need to learn from these kinds of atrocities so that future generations don’t repeat the same mistakes. Or she hates you. That could be it too.

  2. Christina says:

    I liked it! And not just because I appreciate bad movies and am a sucker for LeBoeuf/kiddy-superhero-sci-fi sequels. It was a shiny fast-paced feast for my eyes.