Kazaam (1996) Review

Kazaam. Someone, somewhere thought that it was a good idea to make this movie. If there is any justice in this world, they are in prison right now.

Obviously, making a movie about Shaq as a rapping genie was a bad idea. But at least it might be worth some laughs, right?

Kazaam
Just look at it!

Here’s the thing… Shaq’s not horrible in this film. He’s not good by any measure of the word, but he’s still kind of fun to watch. Admittedly, the fun comes from laughing at how bad his performance is, but that still counts.

Shaq’s method of emoting seems to consist of staring really, really hard at something off-screen. His rapping sounds like what a deaf, white man might think rapping should sound like. The humor comes from watching Shaq try so hard to be good at both.

Shaq isn’t the problem with this movie. No, the problem with this movie is everything else, especially the main character Max. His sole defining character trait is “miserable little shit”. He skips school, yells at his mother, helps a gang steal from his father, and just acts like a pompous little douche for the entire film.

After Home Alone, directors seemed to think that all movies needed a sass-mouthed, sarcastic, ass-munching little brat. That’s why the 90′s gave us films like Man of the House, Camp Nowhere, 3 Ninjas, and Last Action Hero. That’s also why all children of the 90′s will never amount to anything.

graduation
Pictured: Future failures

This movie is terrible. The characters suck, the writing is clumsy, and you could drive a truck through the plotholes. The only reason to watch Kazaam would be to laugh at Shaq trying to act, but that’s like laughing at a child trying to read; you just feel kind of dirty afterwards.

Final verdict: B+

Ha, just kidding. This movie blows.

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