Nintendo’s Donkey Kong may very well be my favorite video game character of all time. He’s a goddamn gorilla that wears a monogrammed tie. That should be enough to explain my love for the big ape, but that’s not nearly enough for a full review, so here we go.
A little bit of history for y’alls. Donkey Kong started as the villain of his self-titled game. His name is rumored to be based on creator Shigeru Miyamoto’s attempt at translating “Stupid Ape.”
Donkeys aren’t monkeys
In that game, Donkey Kong kidnapped Pauline, and it was up for Jumpman (later renamed Mario) the carpenter to save her. This makes Mario the original cock-blocker, as DK was ready to get some monkey love on with Pauline (probably) until Mario intervened. Donkey Kong did everything he could to stop Mario: Plan A was throwing barrels. Plan B was throwing more barrels.
Plans C through Z were also mostly barrel related
He finally got the chance to be a hero in the Super Nintendo classic Donkey Kong Country. (Canonically, the DK of Donkey Kong Country is the grandson of the original character, but stop being a friggin nerd and just go with it) It’s in this game we learn that Donkey Kong only has one purpose in life: Bananas
“On the next episode of Hoarders…”
I love this character evolution: He started off being motivated by some weird intra-species love. When another man got in the way, he turned to food. That new comfort quickly became an obsession… it’s actually pretty amazing he kept in such good shape throughout all of this. Hot tip: Bananas are a great way to avoid “Breakup weight gain.” (That might not be true. What they hell do I know about bananas?)
Not enough apparently
Donkey Kong has a ton of style. It takes confidence to wear just a tie, while forgoing any other article of clothing. He has the kind of swagger that makes women swoon and makes men give high fives.
Final verdict: DK’s awesomeness can be summed up with the following: In Mario Superstar Baseball, Donkey Kong doesn’t use a bat. He punches the shit out of the ball.
Heh heh… Donkey punch