Charmin Basic Review

Toilet paper.  It’s one of those things you don’t think about until you run out (or are pulling a lazy prank.  Come on kids, be more creative)  Yet, it’s an important part of our lives.  Sure, it’s got a disgusting purpose but that purpose is still an important one.

Charmin Basic claims to be Softness, Strength, and Value rolled into one.  Can it back this up?

Here’s what I think of Charmin Basic: This is the worst possible toilet paper ever invented.  I wouldn’t wipe my ass with this toilet paper, which, coincidentally, is its sole purpose.  You would be better off using a wadded up newspaper full of shards of broken glass than Charmin Basic.  You would be better off using fiberglass insulation than Charmin Basic.  Hell, use some poison ivy. 

Strength?  A comatose baby squirrel has more strength than this garbage.  A light breeze has more strength.  (Protip: Don’t use a baby squirrel as toilet paper.  Their fur isn’t that absorbent and they’re hard to flush)  Charmin Basic is one-ply toilet paper.  Like truck stop toilet paper, yet somehow even weaker (I’ll still give Charmin Basic the nod over truck stop toilet paper though, since it’s less likely to be covered in herpes)  If you ever wanted to know what it was like to use toilet paper that disentegrates as you use it, then try it.  For everyone else, avoid like the plague.

Softness?  Rocks are softer.  I’m not the kind of person who insists I use Egyptian cotton to wipe my bum, but I’d rather not feel like I’m using crepe paper.  If sandpaper was covered in lemon juice, it would be a better choice than this trash.

Hell, you can’t even use it as crepe paper because it falls apart if you look at it wrong.  There is literally no use for this product.  If you catch a kid trying to TP your house with Charmin Basic, don’t even bother chasing him off… he’s too stupid to do it right anyway so he’ll probably end up wrapped up in the toilet paper like a pathetic homemade mummy. 

Look, toilet paper is not a product you should be purchasing based on value.  Sometimes, the extra price for a second ply is worth it.  And if you want to save money… I don’t know… use the plastic shopping bags you get grocery shopping.  Go to a carpet store and use the carpet samples.  Maybe give up wiping altogether.  Just don’t use this evil, evil product.

Final verdict:  If there is toilet paper in Hell, it’s probably Charmin Basic.

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