D3: The Mighty Ducks (1996) Review

The ragtag group of misfits from the first two Mighty Ducks films returns for more hockey hijinks, but this time they face a new challenge: High School! (Gulp!) This film is as 3 times the fun and 3 times the excitement!

Except… no. This movie sucks. If this movie sucked any harder it would be arrested for sodomy. The first two Mighty Ducks movies are alright; they aren’t good, but they are fun and harmless enough. But D3 takes your beloved childhood memories of the first two and violates them (probably anally) Afterwards, you feel used and betrayed, and more than a little sore. And you’ll never get that sense of innocence back.

Mighty Ducks 3
“Then we’ll take you out back and give you the ol’ knuckle puck”

I just honestly don’t think anyone involved in the creation of this film ever saw a hockey game or went to high school (the two main themes of the movie) Hell, you’d have to be a great debater to convince me that they aren’t all functionally retarded.

In case you haven’t seen this travesty, here’s the rundown. The kids from the first two movies get offered scholarships to play at an exclusive prep academy. There, they get into fights with the Varsity team (the Ducks make up the freshman / JV team), fail to live up to expecations, almost get expelled, then come back and beat the Varsity team in the end to emerge as the best team in the school. Every single part of that is stupid.

Let’s assume that this snobby prep school cares enough about hockey to offer the entire Duck team full-ride scholarships. It’s even not a huge stretch to believe the Varsity team might hate them. One of the Varsity players makes a point of saying his little brother lost his spot on the JV team when the Ducks came on. I’d be upset too. However, even giving the film the benefit of the doubt for those points, it screws up the rest.

First off, why the hell is everyone at this school so concerned with JV hockey? High school hockey is already not a big deal. But JV hockey? No one would watch that shit. And the boosters get upset about the team “underperforming”… because they tied their first game. THEY TIED ONE GAME AND NOW THEY WANT TO TAKE AWAY THEIR SCHOLARSHIPS. What the hell movie? It’s like you don’t even want anyone to think your story is believable!

Cocaine
“I’d spend more time on the script, but this cocaine’s not gonna snort itself!”

So after a long legal battle (read: one scene), the Ducks are back. But they still have a score to settle with the Varsity team. Because, of course, the JV / Varsity game is the biggest game of the year. They even got NHL star Paul Kariya to provide commentary! WHAT THE HELL. No one cares about a scrimmage between JV and Varsity. Why would you? It’s a stupid scrimmage to give both teams a little practice. There would be no crowd. There would be no pep band. There sure as hell wouldn’t be a NHL star to provide commentary.

And why is it such a big deal that the JV team might lose to the Varsity? They are SUPPOSED TO LOSE TO THE VARSITY! In case you’ve never been a teenager, or seen a teenager, you should know that there is a significant difference between a high school freshman and a high school senior. The Varsity team would be significantly bigger, stronger, faster, and more skilled. It’s called puberty! That’s just how it works.

Final verdict: This movie should be taken out back and shot.

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2 Responses to D3: The Mighty Ducks (1996) Review

  1. Hiro says:

    Despite the highly accurate review of this movie, it seems somewhat of a blasphemy to hate on the mighty ducks series. If we can turn our heads at godfather 3, we should be able to do the same with d3

  2. Chip says:

    Everything in this review is true, but I still love this movie. As a matter of fact, I love the whole series for its cheesiness. You just have to go along for the ride or else you’ll hate these movies.