Dan Rants: Spam

Spam is driving me crazy. I’m not talking about the canned meat (but that shit is also terrible) and I’m not even really talking about e-mail spam. No, today I’m talking about comment spam.

If you’ve ever left a comment on my site, maybe you’ve noticed that, for your first comment, I need to approve it. This is because I receive 4-5 spam comments every day. Maybe that doesn’t seem like a lot, but it’s incredibly frustrating. When I pull up my e-mail and see 4 new comments awaiting approval, I get excited like “Maybe someone who reads this site actually commented!” But that’s almost never the case (On a side note, if you are one of the bitches who reads this site and doesn’t comment, get with it and leave a damn comment every once in a while.)

At least the comments are usually obvious spam. They usually follow this format. “(Link to some terrible website that’s probably full of viruses and trojans) Thanks for that awesome posting. It saved MUCH time!” I don’t know what the hell kind of site the spam-bots think this is, but none of my posts should be saving anyone time. If you read this site to save MUCH time, then YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

These god-damn spammers seem to think this site is an effing “How-to” blog. Are most blogs out there about saving time? I thought most were whiny teens talking about the darkness of their soul and how no one gets them (Livejournal) or Asians talking about Asian stuff (Xanga) or some douchebag telling other people what’s good or not (Danreviewstheworld.com)

That’s not to say that all the spam is exactly the same; just 90% of it. Some is just shit-balls crazy. (Is shit-balls crazy a phrase? Because it should be.) Here are some of my favorites:

“Great beat ! I would like to apprentice while you amend your web site, how could i subscribe for a blog website? The account aided me a acceptable deal. I had been tiny bit acquainted of this your broadcast provided bright clear concept”

Response: Yes, I would love to have an apprentice! I would dress them up in a cute little diaper and feed them bananas while they did a funny little dance. (Note: I don’t know what an apprentice is. Is it some kind of monkey?)

“I’ve been trying to find at alot of different informative sites on mountain bikes. Many thanks.”

Response: I review a lot of things. Some would say I review the whole world. However, I have yet to review any kind of bike, mountain or other, or anything that could even be considered related to biking. I should note that this comment appeared for a review of a goddamn Luann comic.

“The people who can bring out the best in my hypnosis triumphant, & still handle me at my worst are the ones who deserve me.*”

Response: What?

So you see, I deal with a lot of shit. Maybe I’m over-reacting. Maybe I do deserve someone that I can bring out the best of their hypnosis triumphant. I’d hate for that to be a legitimate comment that I have tossed away like a used monkey. If you’re out there, crazy hypnotist commenter, please let me know! I’d love to save you MUCH time.

One last thing. To the monumental dick-weeds who rely on spam-botting legitmate websites to send hapless visitors to your ad-fillled, bug-ridden, virus-infested shit-storm of a site, in the hopes of earning a few cents in ad revenue: Please curl up under a the wheels of a truck and wait for that shit to start moving. You don’t deserve to breathe the same air as the rest of us. You don’t deserve the common courtesy of me not calling you a monumental dick-weed. You deserve to be put in a small room with three aggressive and well-endowed badgers during badger mating season. YOU ARE A BLIGHT UPON THIS EARTH AND I HATE YOU. I may have saved you much time, but you are wasting mine (see what I did there?) You are scum. You prey upon the innocent and the less tech-savvy among us. Basically, that means you are targetting my grandmother. And ain’t no one gonna mess with my grandma. I hope you rot in hell for the things you do.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some business to attend to. I just found out that I’m distantly related to a Nigerian prince, and, if this all works out, I stand to gain a considerable amount of “maney”. Wish me luck!

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