Dan Rants: The Flu

Everyday at work, people make small talk. “How are you doing?” they ask. “Fine,” I reply. That because I don’t want to tell them the truth. I feel like Death.


Nevermind the fact that I shouldn’t be at work if I’m sick. The point is, I feel terrible. I know it’s bad when, while I’m making breakfast, I seriously consider putting my own head into my food processor and turning it on. My own body has turned on me, and now it’s time to teach it a lesson.

I hate being sick. It’s awful. My head feels like it’s going to explode. My ears are ringing. It hurts to breathe. I coughed so hard that I think a mouse flew out of my throat…

It might have been a vole

It sucks that we have to go through these kinds of sicknesses every year. I can’t be alone in hating illness. Why hasn’t science fixed this for us yet? Goddamn science. You can give us computers and spaceships and Nintendo Wii’s, but you can’t beat a goddamn microscopic bug? Get off your asses, scientists, and fix this.

When you’re sick, everyone tries to give you advice for getting better. Too bad all the advice that people give me is shit.
Get a lot of sleep: Well I would if I didn’t wake up every 10 minutes hacking up a lung.
Drink lots of fluids: I would do that too, if every drop of water didn’t burn like the fires of Hell in my throat.
Stop complaining so much: Shut the hell up. I need pity, not your back-talk.

When I’m sick, I’m grumpy. Things that normally annoy me a little bit fill me with seething rage. Things I normally love look like shit. Seriously. I’m watching Hook right now, and while I usually love this movie, now all I can do is point out all the terrible acting and plot-holes.

“Wait… if he went to Neverland as a baby so that he’d never grow up, how does he beome 12-ish? Shouldn’t he have stayed a baby? I need a drink”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try cutting my own head off with a pair of scissors. See y’all on the other side!

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