Dan Rants: Aggressive Drivers

This rant applies to one special driver specifically, but if you read this and find that any of it applies to you, please feel free to kick yourself in the spine.

Like many people, I have to drive to work in the mornings. My drive is usually pretty uneventful: 30 minutes of 1/2 highway and 1/2 city driving. I usually try to leave for work a little after the morning rush, just so I don’t deal with traffic, but occasionally I’ll have an early meeting that requires me to leave a bit earlier. Yesterday was just such a day.

Despite the increased traffic, I was still moving at a pretty good clip, staying in the left lane to avoid the slower moving right lane. Everything was fine until I noticed an Explorer coming up quickly behind me. He closed to about 5 feet from my rear bumper, then tailgated me, gesturing angrily for me to get over to the congested right lane. Of course, I didn’t do this, so he got even angrier… Sir, if you are reading this, please take it to heart:

Screw you, you stupid douche-eating bastard. Could you not see that I was going with the speed of traffic? There was literally no way for me to go faster, which also means there was no way for you to go faster. If I had gotten over, you would have been able to pull ahead one additional car length. Why the hell should I slow down my own morning commute so you can shave 1/2 a second off of yours?

Stop driving like a god-damn idiot. Don’t tailgate, and don’t you dare signal for me to move over unless you’re a cop or there’s some kind of emergency. But there wasn’t an emergency… you’re just a douche. A douche who makes my drive more dangerous, because if I had to stop quickly, your Explorer would make short work of my much smaller Caliber.

And that’s why I hate you so much. I don’t care so much that you’re a jerk: most people are jerks. Hell, I’m a jerk. But I don’t put other people in danger because of it. You are a psychotic bastard who should be locked away for the rest of your life, only leaving your cell for your scheduled daily beatings.

Why the hell are you driving so aggressively anyway? Are you afraid you’re going to be 1/2 a second late for work? Here’s a hint: If you absolutely need to be to work by a certain time, LEAVE EARLIER. You stupid cock-munching asshole. No, there’s no way you were trying to be on time for something… The reason you drive like a douche is because you have a small penis. It makes sense, seeing you flipping the bird from your enormous SUV. You are compensating for your tiny dick that will never be able to bring pleasure to any woman. Well stop taking it out on the rest of the world, Mr. Tiny-Dick.

Here’s some advice: Stop being a goddamn douche-nozzle when you drive. Studies show that the majority of traffic-jams are actually caused by tailgating bastards, like yourself. Are you too stupid to understand why? I’ll explain it slowly: If you tailgate, even the slightest decrease in speed of the car you’re following means you have to slam on your brakes. This causes everyone behind you to have to brake. This causes traffic jams, you moronic bastard.

I hate you and wish that you never even heard of the car (also known as the horseless wagon, the automobile, or in your case, the Raging Douche-mobile). You should never be allowed to drive, and you probably shouldn’t even walk around in public, lest I kick you in the spine. You are the problem with society and you’re too goddamn stupid to understand it. I hate you, you douchebag, asshole, shit-eating, inbred, white-trash bastard. Go to Hell.

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