Wire Coat Hangers Review

I’ve put up with this bullshit for long enough. I try to be a patient man, but there are some things that I just can’t deal with. Of course, I’m talking about wire coat hangers.

Wire hanger
This bastard

I know nothing about fashion. I don’t know what colors go well together. I can look at a blouse and not know if I’m even holding it right side up. And the less said about bras, the better.

Bra
The Rubik’s Cube of undergarments

However, even with that pitiful amount of knowledge, I know that wire hangers suck. They suck hard. If wire hangers were a person, they’d be that douche at the mall that kind of opens the door for you, but then lets go too soon, so the door slams into you kind of hard and you drop all of your stuff. It’s like… yeah, they are almost helpful, but they just can’t quite make it all the way.

First of all, they leave stupid looking creases in the shoulders of your shirts. And that’s if they can even support the shirts to begin with. Anything too heavy will bend the hanger and fall down. Anything too loose will slip off the hanger and fall down. Anything too small will get stretched out as you put it on the hanger (and then fall down). These things exist only to ruin clothes or drop them on the floor.

And I have thousands of them. Every time I get something dry cleaned I get more. And I know it’s my responsibility to take them back to the dry cleaners for reuse, but damnit, I just wanted a way to take my clothes home, not an extra chore. So now these things are taking over my closets. I’ve actually started storing hangers in drawers. And that, my friends, means I’m one short step away from being legally insane.

Mommie Dearest
I know it’s bad when I start agreeing with Joan Crawford

And having a million hangers in my apartment is bad for a few reasons. Besides making me eligible for the next episode of Hoarders, they also always find a way to scratch, puncture, or otherwise mutilate my hands. I know the only “sharp” part of a hanger is right at the twist, but damnit, I still manage to grab that part every god damn time.

Cactus
Pictured: What a wire hanger looks like to my hand

Final verdicts: I hate these things. They are bullshit. I also hate that it’s really only my fault that they are such a problem for me. Thanks for making me feel like a piece of shit, you stupid hanger.

Wire hanger
“No problem”

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One Response to Wire Coat Hangers Review

  1. Cody says:

    Holy s***, you’re actually very amusing.

    Great writing, great metaphors and another great rant.