Mountain Dew Review

I really don’t drink pop anymore (or soda, depending on where you’re from). But when I did, I used to drink Mountain Dew religiously.

Mountain Dew and the Pope
Behold, my masterful photoshopping skills!

I mean it, I used to live off the stuff. In college, I’d have at least one Mountain Dew a day, and when I needed to stay up late, I’d have 3 or 4. But were they any good?

Absolutely not. Mountain Dew never tasted good, but that’s not why we drank it. We drank it because the caffeine and sugar content would basically turn us into a superhero. (Diabetes is a superpower, right?) It tastes like antifreeze mixed with failure, which isn’t really the ideal taste combination.

Stirring chef
“Hmm… needs a bit more failure”

I think the only reason anyone drinks Mountain Dew is because it’s so EXTREME. Which is funny…. can you really think of a less extreme name than Mountain Dew? Was Lamb Kisses already taken? How about The Sound A Kitten Makes As It Walks Across A Down Comforter? Too long to fit on a can?

Kitten on a bed

It’s not even an appetizing looking drink. At best, it looks radioactive. In dim lighting, it looks like someone peed in your glass. (Tasty?) Food just shouldn’t be that shade of green (or yellow… it’s hard to tell)

Mountain Dew sucks. Yeah, I used to drink it all the time, but I also used to think Donnie Darko was a deep and insightful movie. (It’s really not. Stop thinking so hard about it.) It’s pretty amazing that a drink that looks and tastes so awful could be so successful, but I suppose that’s the power of marketing. They’ve convinced us to drink liquid shit from a can, and all it took was some snowboarders.

Mountain Dew snowboard
That makes me thirsty? I guess?

Final verdict: Mountain Dew is a terrible drink. STOP DRINKING IT. We need to stand united as one, and tell the Pepsi Corporation that we won’t drink Mountain Spew anymore. (See what I did there? Alternate joke: Mountain Poo) It sucks.

Mountain Dew Code Red, on the other hand, is mana from Heaven.

Code Red Heaven
I have seen the light

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One Response to Mountain Dew Review

  1. Cody says:

    I confess to thinking way too hard about Donnie Darko.

    Review Donnie Darko!