I’ve already ranted about aggressive drivers, but this time, I’m calling out the stupids.
Dear Stupid Drivers,
GET OFF THE GOD-DAMN ROAD! You are a danger to yourself and everyone around you. How the hell did you ever even get a license? Shit, how the hell did you even get dressed in the morning?
1. Multiple turn lanes
Using my amazing artistic abilities, I have illustrated the situation:
I’m the next Picasso
Alright you stupid bastards… this one is simple. If you are in turn lane #1, you end up in lane #3. If you are in turn lane #2, you end up in lane #4. It seems easy, but every goddamn time I’m at one of these turns, some bastard cuts across from turn lane #2 to lane #3, cutting me off because I was in the correct lane.
If you EVER do this, please get out of your car, put your head between the door and the frame, and SLAM IT SHUT UNTIL YOUR BRAIN LEAKS OUT OF YOUR EARS. It shouldn’t take long because your brain is probably mush to be begin with, you stupid, ignorant bastard. I HATE YOU.
If you’re driving at night, you might turn on your high beams. Understandable… it’s dark and the ability to see is useful when driving.
But, if there’s someone else near you on the road, you TURN OFF THE BRIGHTS, YOU STUPID DOUCHE. This includes if you are behind another car. Just because they aren’t facing you doesn’t mean your brights aren’t distracting. I’m not normally a violent man, but if you do this to me, don’t be surprised if I shove my umbrella up your ass and open it.
Also known as The Mary Poppins
3. PUT DOWN YOUR CELL PHONE
Do you complain about people talking on their cell phone while they drive, but then proceed to do it yourself? “It’s different,” you might say. “I’m not an idiot.” Well I’ve got news for you… IT’S NOT DIFFERENT BECAUSE YOU ARE AN IDIOT. Hell, you might be reading this yourself, thinking, “Well I can do it and I know it doesn’t impact my driving.” YES IT DOES. Put down your goddamn phone.
I’m convinced there’s a special part of Hell reserved for people like you… a place where your cell phone is always just out of reach. It’s ringing, but you can never quite get to it. You’ll never be able to answer it, no matter how much it rings. THEN A HIPPO RAPES YOU FOR ETERNITY.
“You got a pretty mouth”
In conclusion: STOP BEING AN IDIOT WHILE YOU DRIVE. You are operating a high-speed, extremely heavy, and very dangerous piece of equipment. TREAT IT WITH A LITTLE GODDAMN RESPECT. You are not going somewhere so important that it’s worth putting everyone else in danger. Nothing in your life is important, because no one as stupid as you is capable of achieving anything worthwhile. Just… just stop before I have to spine kick you to death. Because, once you’re dead, it’s hippo time.