X-Men: The Last Stand (2006) Review

How the hell does this happen? I mean it… how the hell does this happen?

The first X-Men movie was pretty good. It was a nice introduction to the franchise and was, at the time, one of the better superhero movies out there. X-2 was a revelation. That movie was awesome from start to finish, and one of my favorite superhero movies ever. The opening scene with Nightcrawler is good enough that the rest of the movie could have been 2 hours of ducks playing in a pond and the movie still would have been great.

Then again, I’d watch 2 hours of ducks without the Nightcrawler scene. I like ducks

Final verdict: Ducks are awesome.

Wait… that’s not what I was reviewing? Still, I stand by my point: Ducks are awesome.

Back to X-Men!

X-3 is a TERRIBLE movie. It’s almost like the filmmakers wanted to make the worst movie they could. How else can you explain killing off Cyclops in the first few minutes? Cyclops is the friggin’ leader of the X-Men! (I know that Professor X is in charge, but let me make a football analogy: Professor Xavier is the coach, and Cyclops is the quarterback.)

And Beast is the mascot? I don’t know, this analogy probably shouldn’t be taken so literally

Cyclops is an interesting character. Not that you’d know from the movies… they never really knew what to do with him, so they focused on Wolverine instead. But to me, Cyclops is much more interesting than Wolverine ever was. Cyclops has to bear the burden of leadership. He also can’t ever take off his glasses, lest he destroy the whole town. And most importantly, Wolverine is CANADIAN.

Pictured: Wolverine

So they start off the film by killing off one of the key characters. That might still work. His death would cause a lot of grief among the other characters and could be the driving force for the events of the film… Or, they could never mention it again. Goddamn terrible movie.

But they aren’t content to kill off just one major character. The filmmakers really want to leave their mark on the series by killing off as many characters as possible. Xavier: Dead. Jean Grey: Dead. Callisto: Dead. Psylocke: Dead. GODDAMN TERRIBLE MOVIE.

The characters that do survive don’t ever get to do anything cool. Angel just flies around a few times. Psylocke just shows up long enough to die. Collossus only exists to throw Wolverine. Even the all-powerful Jean Grey / Phoenix just spends most of the final battle standing around, not really doing anything.

No Loitering sign
I guess she couldn’t see the sign…

Despite all the great characters they could have used better, the film likes to focus on shit characters like Quill. Quill, who has the power to make quills protrude from his skin, like a porcupine. Quill, who kills one character… by hugging them. This is bullshit… I can’t take that kind of character seriously. And he tries to be threatening, which just makes it worse. Consider this dialog:

Pyro: Do you know who you’re talking to?
Quill: [spikes protrude from his face] Do you?

What? What? Are… are we supposed to take this seriously? Pyro can control fire, which is a pretty awesome power. Quill makes spikes come out of his face… and he’s threatening Pyro. That, my friends, is BULLSHIT.

My grandmother wouldn’t be threatened by this.

Final verdict: This movie is awful. It’s a perfect example of a studio completely not understanding what made the previous film work. Everyone involved in the making of this film should be ashamed of themselves. Douchebags.

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