The other day, I was browsing the selection at a local toy store. A stuffed Toad from Mario Bros was going to be my purchase when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw something even more nostalgic than Toad.
I saw the Saved By the Bell Board Game. I… don’t really know what happened to me. I might have blacked out. I was looking at this game from across the store, and the next thing I remember, I was in my living room playing it. Maybe I time traveled. Maybe this game is magic.
The Holy Grail?
So maybe the game is magic. Who knows? What I do know is: This game sucks. It sucks hard. This game sucks so hard that it might be made of a black hole. It should be sponsored by Hoover. It sucks so hard that it’s… not… very… good?
It’s a basic “Roll the die, move that many spaces, do what the board says” kind of game (RTDMTMSDWTBS for short) You make circuits around the game board, collecting date cards and prank tokens. For the date cards, you need to collect a who, what, and where. Will you go on a date with the Jock or the Artistic Guy? Will he take you to a concert or a wrestling match? All this and more!
On a side note… Why the hell does the game assume I’m a girl for playing? Guys like Saved By the Bell and guys like board games. I’m not a little girl. I’m a MAN, damn it. I just want to play a little game of Saved By the Bell… I don’t want to have my masculinity brought into question.
Besides the date cards, you have to collect Prank Tokens. These are collected by playing “hilarious” pranks on the other players. Did she (or he, but let’s be honest, she) land on a space that says “Behind this door…” You can now play your card that says “is a pack of nerds and you’re their hero! Pranks on you!”
That’s not a prank. Let’s read another one: “The class trip is now at your house!” “The french fries you just ate were still frozen!” “All of your books are gone!” Those aren’t pranks. It’s like they gave the job of writing pranks to a South Korean farmer who never heard of pranks before. And he doesn’t speak English. And he’s covered in bees.
Now THAT’S a prank!
The game doesn’t even have anything to do with Saved By the Bell. You don’t go on dates with characters from the show… you go out with “True Romantic” or “The Funny One.” You get to see a few pics of the cast on the game board, but that’s it. You could call this game “The Game About Throwing Apples at the Homeless” and it’d be just as accurate.
Final verdict: This game is shit. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit.