America’s Next Top Model Review

So some people are saying that the Rapture is going to happen on May 21, 2011. Most people agree it’s because Molly lost to Brittani on the latest cycle of America’s Next Top Model.

Brittani Kline
Is Brittani the Anti-Christ? All signs point to yes

In all seriousness, this show sucks. It’s like a train wreck… you don’t want to watch, but you can’t look away. And then somehow you get herpes. And if you don’t think you can get herpes from a train, then you’ve never ridden in the NYC subway system.

Thomas the Tank Engine
“I think you should get tested”

As we all know, Top Model is hosted by former super-model Tyra Banks. I love Tyra, but in the way that someone loves a beautiful sunset. It’s pretty to look at, but I don’t want it in my living room. Because it would set everything on fire. And for some reason, the sun just NEVER SHUTS UP. Seriously Sun/Tyra… Just stop talking.

Tyra’s definitely one of the weak points of the show. She just talks on and on but never makes a damn bit of sense. But the contestants and other hosts all treat her words like they’re coming from the friggin’ Dalai Lama.

Dalai Lama
“I totally thought Molly was going to win”

Here are some actual Tyra quotes from the show:
“Sometimes, getting lost is the only way to be discovered”
“Once you plant seeds of success, your tree will bear fierce fruit”
“When beauty is reflected, beauty is perfected”

Those… ummm… insights?… they don’t mean a god-damn thing! I’ve gotten better modeling advice from a Magic 8-Ball. (When I asked about my future as a male model, I learned that the outlook was hazy. Best advice I ever got.)

The contestants aren’t much better. They spend most of their time crying because… well shit, most of the times they don’t even have a reason to cry. It’s usually something like “I didn’t know this show would be so hard”, “My hair was cut short and I like it long”, or “I am NOT EMOTIONAL YOU BITCHES”

A lot of them try to have interesting back-stories, but they just can’t pull it off. One contestant’s entire personality seemed to be based around the fact that she was a “Plus-sized model.” She could have done great things on the show by showing that you don’t have to be a toothpick to be a succesful model. The best way to accomplish that would probably be… I don’t know… by being the best model? Not by spending every episode talking about how hard it is to be a 120 pound fat-ass and absolutely sucking at modeling.

Calista Flockhart
Based on Top Model, Calista Flockhart is a fricking cow

No, seriously. This is the “Plus-sized model” from the most recent cycle:

Kasia P
Are we in opposite world? Does Plus mean Not Very Big?

Despite all this, there can still be some fun moments watching the show. The contestants really are complete bitches most of the time, and that can be entertaining. But the few seconds of watchable tv don’t make up for the rest of the show. It’s pretentious, it’s annoying, and most of all, it’s dumb.

Final verdict: This show sucks. Tyra is a terrible host, the girls are one-dimensional, and the pacing in each episode is terrible. Oh and call me crazy, but I think Miss J might actually be a man. Someone should look into that.

Miss J Alexander

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2 Responses to America’s Next Top Model Review

  1. Pingback: America's Next Top Model » Blog Archive » America's Next Top Model Review | Dan Reviews the World

  2. Allison says:

    A thousand times, yes, Dan. I agree about Tyra, Miss J, the whole thing. It’s been awhile since I’ve watched it, so I missed the “plus sized” model idea. I COULD DO THAT! (i.e., be a normal sized person and have pictures taken of me looking weird in weird clothes) Sign me up.