Dan Rants: That Guy at the Game

If you’ve been to a sporting event, you know That Guy. He’s the guy that screams at the top of his lungs the whole game. He yells threats to the opposing players (while not usually having good enough seats for anyone on the field to actually hear him). He is openly antagonistic to other fans in the crowd. In short, he’s a douche.

That Guy is a special kind of douche that thinks he’s the best fan in the crowd. In his mind, he’s the funniest person there. He’s also the most devoted fan in the whole place. And for some reason, he believes this will get him laid.

Fat fan
It won’t

Here’s an anecdote. While in college, I had season football tickets. That Guy had tickets for the seat next to mine. At the first game of the year, during a long break in play, he yelled out “Drop the puck!” Fair enough, that was kind of funny. (Because it’s football, you see. Normally, you would say that during a hockey game.) He then proceeded to yell that same line for every break in the action… for the rest of the year. But That Guy can’t comprehend that he’s not the funniest person there.

He also can’t comprehend that he’s not the most devoted fan. This same douchebag also had a fun habit of booing our own team and telling everyone within shouting distance how much the team sucked. When other fans would disagree, he would ask them trivia about the team. (A side note: Memorizing random trivia about a team doesn’t make you a fan. But challenging other fans does make you a douche.) If you answered correctly, he’d call you an asshole.

Alex Trebek
That kind of response sure would make Jeopardy more interesting, however

That Guy also loves to shout profanities. He doesn’t care that there are kids in the stands. He doesn’t care that people ask him to stop. Well That Guy… I have a message for you:

You are a monumental douche. You have no redeeming qualities, and if there is any justice in this world, you will die cold and alone. You will never know love and no one will mourn your passing.

You are a dickless ass-munching douche-nozzle. And I really mean it: You’re dickless. That’s not to say that you have a vagina, either. You have no genitals, just a flat and uniform stretch of skin where your dick should be. Like a Ken doll.

Ken doll
How do you pee? Actually, no, I don’t want to know.

When you get kicked out of the game (and you usually get kicked out), everyone cheers. This doesn’t mean you did your “job.” It means that you are hated. It means that everyone there would be glad to stab you in the face with a screwdriver. You are a waste of valuable skin that would be better used to help burn victims or to craft a set of “leather” upholstery. In hell, you will be raped for eternity by angry demons, and I still feel like you’re getting off easy.

When you are on your deathbed, you’ll look back at your behavior and understand that you were a douche. You will weap as that revelation overcomes you and you’ll know that you wasted your life. Your tears will be sweet and the rest of us will dance on your grave.

So… don’t be That Guy. Just don’t.

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