Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) Review

I guess I might as well skip right to the big question: Is this movie better than Transformers 2?

Yes, it is. But that’s really not saying much. It’s like saying that stepping in a pile of dog shit is better than stepping in a bear trap. Either way, you should have just stepped somewhere else.

Bear trap
Of course, I’d rather step in this than watch Transformers 2 again

How the hell can Michael Bay keep screwing these movies up so badly? I liked the first Transformers movie. Liked it a lot, actually. But after this one, it’s obvious that Bay has no idea what worked in the first one. He also might be retarded.

Michael Bay
I’m not saying that he IS retarded, but just look at him

I can’t explain why the movie starts by following Shia LaBeouf around as he looks for a job. And then continues to follow him as he gets a job. And then continues to follow him as he works at that job. Here’s a hint, for any aspiring film-makers out there: Shia LaBeouf is not the reason people like Transformer movies.

And that segueues nicely into the primary problem with the film: It’s boring. The whole movie is dull. And not just the first 30 minutes of watching Shia prance around delivering mail. Every part of it is boring.

I’ll admit, the action is much better than in the second movie. Primarily because I can actually tell what’s happening this time. But it still doesn’t resonate, because I just don’t care about any of the characters. Even if I could tell the different Transformers apart during the fight scenes (the character designs, especially of the Decepticons are terrible. They look like fast moving piles of junk metal), they don’t mean anything to me. Most of the robots don’t even talk, and the ones that do don’t ever show any kind of personality. I realized that Michael Bay can’t tell the difference between personality and an accent. What’s Dino the Ferrari’s defining characteristic? He has an Italian accent! How about the Wreckers? Well, one of them is Scottish! I literally know nothing more about these characters, and as such, don’t really care whether they live or die.

The Decepticons come off even worse, since most of them only speak in snarls and growls (accompanied by a lot of robot drool). I don’t know what kind of robots Michael Bay has seen before, but that’s not really how they work.

Roomba
“*Snarl* *DROOL* *Growl* BEEP BEEP BEEP” – Roomba

I wanted to like this movie. I really did. But goddamnit, I just can’t overlook all the glaring flaws. I don’t want to see Sam (Shia LaBeouf)’s mom talk about how her son might have a big penis. I don’t want to watch John Turturro making out with Frances McDormand. I don’t want to watch Optimus Prime be a huge douche.

Oh yeah, Optimus is a huge douche in this movie. Any bigger and he’d have a spray tan and a popped collar. Basically, the humans tell the Autobots to leave Earth. They do and their spaceship gets blown up by the Decepticon. (Just one. They only needed one to kill ALL OF THE AUTOBOTS) After this, the Decepticons attack Chicago, killing every human they see. According to wikipedia, Chicago has about 2.7 million residents. The film pretty much implies that the Decepticons killed all of them. Make a note of that, because it’ll be important in a second.

Well, SPOILER ALERT (but only if you’re an idiot or have never seen a movie before) the Autobots aren’t actually all dead. They were hiding, because, according to Optimus Prime “We had to let the humans see that the Decepticons aren’t to be trusted.” Optimus Prime let the Decepticons kill millions of people TO TEACH US A LESSON. What a god damn douche.

Other stupid things:

Megatron wears a hood and cape. Presumably because he needs a disguise. Nevermind the fact that Transformers are GOD DAMN ROBOTS IN DISGUISE. He can transform! He doesn’t need a god-damn hood and cape!

Once again, the Autobots are ridiculously brutal and violent. Starting with Douche-timus Prime telling the Autobots to “Kill them all”, we see surrendering Decepticons ripped apart limb from limb, robot spines ripped out, and another surrendering robot shot in the face with a giant shotgun. Yay heroes?

There are Decepticons that fly planes. Decepticons that can transform into planes, are now flying larger planes. Maybe in Transformers 4 we’ll get to see Optimus Prime driving a really big truck! Holy shit, this movie is really stupid.

This movie might be the worst performance I’ve seen out of Ken Jeong. And that’s saying something because I’ve seen Hangover Part 2. The other people in the theater were laughing, but they all looked kind of dumb, so make of that what you will.

Final Verdict: This movie is awful. I’ve seen people proclaim it as the best of the series, but that’s bullshit. The first movie was actually enjoyable. This movie is a god-damn insult. It only looks alright because Transformers 2 was such a train-wreck. Shame on you, Michael Bay. Shame on you.

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