Dan Rants: Turn Signals

I know I’ve already ranted about driving a few times. Hell, I even already mentioned turn signals. But god damn it, it still bugs me!

How hard is it to use a turn signal? Just nudge the lever. That’s it. And in return, you don’t cause a massive pile-up, killing dozens of other commuters. It seems like a pretty fair trade. Yet, I would estimate that over half of the drivers I see don’t use their signals regularly, if at all.

I just don’t understand why they don’t do it. These have to be the same disgusting douche-nozzles that don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom. They are so selfish as to not even notice that what they are doing is terrible to every one else around them. “I know that I’m going to turn. Why do I need a signal?”

It’s never the polite, ease into the next lane kind of driver that fails to signal. It’s the drive 25 miles over the speed limit, get right the hell on your bumper, then switch lanes without even looking sacks of shit that don’t signal. The whole world is in their way and they’ll be damned if they let you tell them how to live. It’s your own fault for not driving 100 mph through that residential zone.

These entitled cockbags need to get off the damn road. Cars are not toys. (Hot Wheels are, but they can still be pretty dangerous. Especially when you’re a kid and decide that ‘Throw Hot Wheels at each other’ sounds like a fun game) Is it really so much to ask that people actually have some degree of sanity while they operate their two-ton death machines?

Today I encountered a very special kind of insane driver. This maniac signaled that he would be turning right. He then turned left. For those of you following along at home, this is what psychopaths do when they drive. How the hell do you mess that up? It’s not even like he could forget which one is left… it’s a god damn arrow on your dashboard. You don’t need to know which word corresponds to it!

And I love the elderly. Really, I do. And this comment is going to sound like it’s stereotyping the elderly as bad drivers, because that’s exactly what it’s about to do: After you turn, please turn off your damn signal. Don’t keep it blinking for 10 miles. It’s just confusing and more than a little sad. Sad because I know that one day, I’ll be the one with my blinker on, driving 15 under the speed limit, trying to wave peope by… “Go around!” I’ll yell, as I lean as far over my steering wheel as I possibly can. Then I’ll go home and tell the neighborhood kids to keep off my lawn. And maybe play some bingo.

So if you’re reading this and you know you don’t use turn signals, do us all a favor, and just try using them correctly. It won’t hurt, I promise. But the badger will hurt. The badger I will hide in your underwear drawer. The drawer you open when you’re naked and all of your sensitive and vulnerable bits are exposed.

You’ve been warned.

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