Dan Rants: The Internet

The internet is amazing. It’s most likely the single most powerful thing that mankind has ever created.

And we use it for porn.

Which isn’t that bad, inherently. Sex is a part of life and it can be beautiful. But, on the internet, sex has nothing, I repeat NOTHING to do with beauty. Internet porn, or PR0N, as it’s called by 45 year old virgins living in their mom’s basement, is about chaos and hate and evil.

It’s depressing. I’m not sure I like the idea of raising kids on a planet that created 2 Girls 1 Cup. Sure, we all laughed at the reaction videos… it’s fun to watch other people vomit with rage. But holy shit people, did we really need this video? Did we need amputee sex? Do we need furries? (Answer: No. No one needs furries)

I remember a time before the internet was a part of our daily life. I didn’t know that people wrote stories about Fred Flinstone raping Sailor Moon. I didn’t want to know. But thanks to the internet, I’ve seen thousands of stories about that one single topic.

There are more porn sites than there are people in America.

This is our legacy. When we’ve all turned to dust and our ancestors start to interpret our electronic time capsules… this is what they’ll see. They’ll see a man dressed like a giant purple bear, waving his dick around through a flap in the front of his costume. They’ll see horses humping women, dogs humping women, horses humping dogs, entire manuals devoted to the art of having sex with a dolphin.

Jesus Christ people. Just… stop.

Here’s the worst part of it… I don’t want to see any of this stuff. I really don’t. But it finds me. Somehow, it hunts me down and forces me to watch. Maybe it’s a douche on a message board with a trick link. Maybe it’s that crazy uncle that e-mails me pictures of fat women in thongs. It doesn’t matter. If you spend any time on the internet, you will see something that will make you cry and vomit simultaneously. I like to call it Cromit.

I can’t even be angry about this. I’m too exhausted, too overwhelmed. It’s like trying to fight the ocean. I can punch that stupid water all I want, but it’s still going to keep on existing. Taunting me. God damn oceans.

Who the hell even makes these things? How do you find 2 girls willing to do the things those girls did with that cup? I can’t even find a fourth for euchre. Is eating shit really that much better than playing euchre?

I’m tired. I want to sleep but these images haunt me. They’ll haunt me forever. When I close my eyes, they just burn brighter. They sear into my brain. I’m losing control…

Why would anyone even want to sleep with a dolphin? Is it the blowhole? Is that it? I’ll admit, dolphins are cute. But I don’t want to hump them. And dolphins mate for life, by the way. You go out into the ocean and screw a dolphin, and the rest of its life it will be waiting for you. Mourning the loss of its only love.

Did things like this exist before the internet? Is it the anonymity of the online world that gives people the courage to say “I’ve drawn a picture of the Powerpuff Girls giving oral pleasure to Harry Potter. And now I’m going to share it with the world”?

There is no innocence on the internet. It’s a terrible place full of shame and terror. And poop. So much poop. The poop on the internet could fill the ocean. Even that god-damn, thinks-its-so-great-because-its-huge Pacific Ocean. I HATE YOU PACIFIC OCEAN. SOMETIMES I WISH YOU WERE FILLED WITH POOP.

See what just happened there? I’m losing it. My sanity is slipping away. I’m be0cmng 1 of themmm.

Reed Tehse words and understandd!!! RUNN WHILE U CN

LOLMAO, jk :)


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2 Responses to Dan Rants: The Internet

  1. Krystal says:

    I’m proud to say I don’t know what a furrie is, and after reading this, I’m an not even a little tempted to google it.

    • Dan says:

      For the the love of all that is good and holy, DO NOT GOOGLE IT. You can’t unsee the horrors that you will witness.

      I pray for you.