Cowboys and Aliens (2011) Review

Let’s be honest. There are only three reasons most people wanted to see this film:
1. There’s a scene in the trailer that shows Olivia Wilde naked (or at least, her upper back and shoulders)
2. The title is “Cowboys and Aliens”
3. We finally get to see Indiana Jones starring in a movie alongside James Bond. I mean, how long have we been waiting to see this match-up? It’s about ti…


Oh yeah.

So yeah… we’ve already seen Indy and Bond team up. And that was even Sean Connery, who is much more awesome than Daniel Craig. Well, at least we finally get to see Harrison Ford fighting some aliens!


Oh.

Yeah, but that movie sucked. At least we finally get to see Harrison Ford fighting some aliens in a GOOD movie!


Right.

Alright, all kidding aside, it still is an interesting idea: How would cowboys fare against invading aliens? If you said “They’d get their shit blown up” you’re probably right, but that doesn’t make as interesting of a movie. Here we actually get to see the cowboys kick some alien butt and that’s why we bought the ticket.

Here’s what’s good:
1. Harrison Ford is grumpy and awesome. I don’t know when he made the transition to cantankerous old man, but I’m glad he did. He pulls off the “Badass Grandpa” role better than most.
2. Olivia Wilde’s naked shoulder is pretty hot I guess. But it’s the same view you had in the trailer, so don’t see the movie just for that.
3. Lots of stuff goes boom but it’s not completely stupid. It’s everything you want in a summer action movie: Explosions and just enough plot not to melt your brain.

But, it’s not all Indiana Jones and roses. For some reason, the little shit from Last Airbender gets a pretty big role. Noah Ringer might not be terrible in this film, but it doesn’t matter. Every shot of his stupid little face reminds me of the travesty that is Last Airbender, and that makes me angry. The allegory of “taking people’s land for gold is wrong” is also pretty heavy handed, but I suppose the movie needed some sort of message (other than it’s cool to watch cowboys shoot aliens).

In the end, it’s a pretty good movie. But this review isn’t done yet! I need to rant about something.

When I saw the first trailer for this movie, it was in a pretty crowded theater. The crowd was really into the trailer for most of it: Explosions, Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford… AWESOME. Then, the title came up, and the idiots around me actually laughed and booed. Really? Are people really so stupid that a movie they were excited for would suddenly deserve booing just because of a simplistic title? I even heard the douche behind me say “Cowboys and Aliens? Only an asshole would see that” No, Mr Douche… you’re the asshole. Don’t judge a book by its cover and don’t judge a movie by its title. Hell, there are a lot of great movies with terrible titles and even more terrible movies with great titles. Why the hell does the title even matter? Outside of something stupid like Gigli where most people can’t even pronounce it (so how do you buy the tickets?) the title doesn’t matter for shit. You see it on screen for about 2 seconds, then it’s gone. It’s out of your mind. It doesn’t affect the damn movie at all. What if, instead of The Godfather, it was called “Magical Rainbow Squishy Trees”? Does that make it any worse as a movie?

Final verdict: It’s pretty good. I’m actually more excited about future films in the same vein: Ninjas and Zombies. Pirates and Vampires. The Gay Twilight Vampires and Actual Scary Vampires. Make it happen Hollywood.

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