Truck Nuts Review

I think we’ve all seen these, right? The fake testicles hanging off the back of a truck? At least, I hope to God other people have seen them. I’d hate to find out it’s a paranoid hallucination I’ve been having, tied to some Freudian fear of being raped by a truck.

Anyway, at first glance, these things seem completely terrible. What kind of stupid douche would think they are a good idea? They must be the same idiots that go to a Halloween store and buy any of the “hilarious” pre-made costumes like “Breathalyzer” (where the tube represents a penis) or “Snake Charmer” (where the snake represents a penis) or “Horny Clown” (where the balloon represents a penis). And yes, all those costumes are real. The fact that they are regularly stocked in costume shops must mean someone is buying them. And by someone, I mean douchebag frat bros. I hate those guys.

But, I don’t hate the truck nuts. And here’s why: It’s reassuring. I’m glad to see them on the road. Why? Because they tell me that, despite all the inherent difficulties, here’s a mentally retarded person who was able to get their driver’s license. That is a legitimate accomplishment. Good for them!

“Wait Dan”, you say. “I have truck nuts and I’m not retarded! What about me?” To that I respond: Yes you are. Admitting it might be tough, but it’s the first step to leading a full and fulfilling life. There will be a lot of people that think it’s funny to make jokes about retarded people and a lot more will be jerks, but there are others out there that are willing to help, support, and encourage you. But, you should probably get rid of the truck nuts. They make you look like a douche.

Final Verdict: I apologize to anyone that might have been offended by this review. Mental retardation is a serious problem and not something to make fun of. Being a douche, however, is well worth insulting. And, in all seriousness, if you have truck nuts, you are a monumental douche. I’m sorry you suck so much.

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