I’m angry. I’m always angry, but today I’m angry for a specific reason: TV.
And it’s not anything on tv that’s bugging me. It’s what isn’t on tv. Specifically: Anything I like. Sure, there are a few shows I like… Big Bang Theory is good, Seinfeld re-runs are always great (although those are getting harder to find), and we’re getting a new Avatar show sometime this year. That’s about it. Oh and It’s Always Sunny. I love that show.
The problem is the same one as the old joke: 200 channels but nothing’s on. And it’s truer than ever. Take, for instance, Big Bang Theory. Good show, consistently funny… but, it comes on 12 times a day. And that’s the same 2 episodes, 6 times each. I don’t know why this happens, but it’s stupid. Why not show 4 other shows? (I actually know why: it’s cheaper to show the same show repeatedly. But it doesn’t make it any better)
And what about kids shows? For the most part, gone. That’s thanks to the moral guardians (who, if they are reading, can suck my dick. You guys suck). “But Dan” you say, “shouldn’t moral guardians want MORE kids shows?” You are right, they should.. but they are ignorant shit-heads who don’t know anything. I hate them.
Y’see, they saw all the great kids programming from the 80s and 90s and said “This is corrupting our youth! These awesome action cartoons are only trying to sell toys! These funny cartoons are immoral and wrong!” So they campaigned to get them removed from tv. They sued networks for showing advertisements directed at kids. Well, if the networks can’t advertise to kids, then why the hell would they want to air tv for them? Out of the goodness of their hearts? We all know that tv execs are heart-less, soul-less monsters who crawled into our world from the depths of Hell. They have no “goodness of their hearts.” So those shows are gone. That’s why there’s no more Saturday morning cartoons.
Thanks a lot moral guardians. Shit heads.
What about classic older shows? I remember watching TV Land religiously as a kid… I loved Taxi, Gilligan, I Love Lucy, Welcome Back Kotter, the Munsters… all that great stuff. Well, those shows are more expensive to air than newer syndicated shows like CSI and Law & Order. So half of all cable programming is CSI and Law & Order. The other half is reality tv, which is also cheap to make and air. At first blush, it makes sense… If they are cheaper to air, sure, from a business perspective, they should do that. The problem is from the OWNERS of the content. Are you god-damn stupid? Why do you make it so expensive to air this great stuff? It’s sitting around, collecting dust, because you are greedy and stupid. I hate you too.
We all know network execs are stupid. These are the people that looked at the Sci Fi network, saw that 18-30 year old guys liked it, and then decided to air professional wrestling on that same network because “hey, 18-30 year old guys like wrestling.” On the SCI-FI network. SCIENCE FICTION. GOD DAMN YOU ALL.
Here are things I miss, and will probably never see again, thanks to these cock-pukes:
Saturday Morning Cartoons (formerly found on WB, ABC, CBS, and NBC)
Old Game Shows (formerly found on Nick Games and Sports, and the Game Show Network)
Good science fiction and Mystery Science Theater 3000 (formerly found on Sci Fi)
Music Videos (formerly found on MTV and VH-1)
Classic TV (formerly found on Nick at Night and TV Land)
Good anime (formerly found on Sci Fi and Cartoon Network)
Stand Up Comedy (formerly found on Comedy Central)
Outdoor sports (formerly found on all network tv and The Outdoor Life Network)
After school kids programming (formerly found on all network tv)
Now I’m sad.