Cabin in the Woods (2012) Review

Did you see this movie yet? I mean it, you don’t want to be spoiled. And it’s a hard film to talk about without spoiling it. This is the extent of what I can say:

This movie doesn’t rely on any cheap twists, like any M Night Shyamalan flick. However, you don’t want to know what’s going to happen… Picture the first explorer to find the Grand Canyon. He’s just treking through some woods or desert and then HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THAT!

(Imagine a picture of the Grand Canyon here. I promise I’ll get my ability to upload pictures fixed eventually. Maybe.)

This movie’s a little like that. Sure, the Grand Canyon is still pretty awesome to see, but think about how great it would have been to see it for the first time without having any idea what to expect.

So that’s all I can say without spoiling it. Also this: You’ll love the part when that thing happens with that thing. You’ll never look at those things in the same way again.

Alright, now that that’s out of the way, stop reading now if you haven’t seen the movie.

I mean it.

Last chance…

Are they gone? (Looks around) I don’t see them, but then again, I’m just text on a screen representing the thoughts of some random internet blogger. I don’t have any possible means to actually look around. I can’t even think for myself. It’s quite sad really.

But seriously, how cool is this movie!? The unicorn! Oh my God that unicorn was amazing. I would pay to see the movie where they chose that fate instead of the zombie redneck torture family. I’d also like to see the sugar plum fairy in her own film.

That’s the thing about this movie that’s a little disappointing… there are a thousand different stories that I wish I could have seen, and the zombie redneck torture family might have been the least interesting of the available options. But it did give us the amazing line “Good job zombie hand.” So at least we have that.

It’s not the best movie I’ve ever seen, but damn is it fun. I can’t wait until the Blu Ray comes out and I can slow-mo through the entire third act. I want to see every monster, every reference to other horror films (there are quite a few to the Evil Dead that I noticed, especially the Angry Molesting Tree.) I want to relive this movie over and over again.

We’re all agreed that “We” are the ancient gods, right? I half expected the guys in the control center to look right at the camera and wink when they discussed the rituals. I like this aspect of the movie a lot. It’s actually pretty similar to the old tv show Reboot. If you haven’t seen it, Reboot takes place in a computer and stars the different sprites and binomes that live inside. Everything in the world is controlled by a mysterious all-powerful User that plays dangerous Games that threaten to nullify any computer inhabitants that lose the game. It’s… actually pretty much the exact thing that happens in this movie. Except Cabin in the Woods has a killer unicorn. Damn I love that unicorn.

So those are my thoughts. An amazingly fun movie and it can get you to think a little.

Final Verdict: If you already read through this without seeing the movie… you’re a shit-head. I gave you as much warning as possible and you ignored it like an ignorant douche. You are the reason that you’re so unhappy all the time, and you will never have fun at any point in your life. I’d pity you if I thought you were worth it.

Oh yeah, and the movie is sweet.

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