Here’s what I think must have happened:
At the offices of Nick L Odeon, PR Manager for Former Child Stars
“Please send in Miss Grande.”
“I’m right here”
Nick peers over his desk and spots the tips of a pair of costume cat ears. “Ah, of course you are. And lovely as always.
Now, Ariana, I called you in here because the public is turning on you. The interviews where you claimed you’re haunted by demons and love the sight of blood have done you no favors and there’s a growing sentiment that you are actually a baby pretending to be an adult. Ariana… Ariana, put that down. The stapler is not a toy.
As I was saying, we need to so something to get the American people back on your side. Do you know one of my other clients, Miss Jamie Lynn Spears? She was able to generate huge amounts of appeal and positive chatter when we leaked the Subway security footage showing her breaking up a fight with a knife. It made her look adult, heroic, and, honestly, a bit of a bad-ass. We need to do something similar…. Ariana! Put that stapler down! No, don’t put it in your mouth. Drop it.
Obviously, we can’t actually put you in danger like that, but we just need to capture you being adult, and cool, and relatable. And we need to do it at a fast food restaurant to connect you to the average American. Do you think you can do that? ”
The next day…
“TMZ has attained exclusive footage of Ariana Grande licking donuts and saying that she hates America.”
Nick leaned back in his chair. “This is why I hate working with babies. ”